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Allison Samari Gavin

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After we lost our child, I got rid of every habit Beau Walker hated. I stopped asking where he’d been. I stopped waiting up for him. Even when he didn’t come home at all, I still went to sleep. I was injured during a training accident. The base doctor told me to notify my family. All I said was, “I don’t have an emergency contact.” The nurse beside him recognized me. “You’re Major Wells, aren’t you? General Walker is in the command center next door. Should I get him?” I shook my head. But half an hour later, Beau came anyway. He stood beside my hospital bed, his uniform immaculate, his voice hard. “Why didn’t you call me?” I looked down at the bandages on my hand. “It’s nothing serious. No need to trouble the General.” The moment the words left my mouth, his expression tightened. He was about to speak when the voices of two soldiers drifted in from the hallway. “General Walker really cares about that USO performer.” “That girl, Kinsley, twisted her ankle during the show, and he called for his command vehicle immediately.” “Carried her himself, too. Wouldn’t even let her walk.” Beau’s shoulders went rigid. He glanced at me, as if waiting for me to say something. Before, hearing something like that would have made me demand answers. This time, I said nothing. I just leaned back against the pillow and closed my eyes. ... A little while later, he helped me into his Humvee. After the door shut, he said in a low voice, “Don’t listen to gossip. It was work.” “I approved Kinsley to perform on base. She got hurt, so of course I had to deal with it.” “Mm,” I said. Just that one sound. Beau whipped his head toward me. “You still don’t believe me?” “Are you still blaming me for everything?” “Celine, I’ve been trying. I’ve been coming home. What more do you want from me?” I watched the streetlights streak past the window. “I believe you.” “I just didn’t think my injury was serious enough to call you. Just take me back to my quarters.” He stared at me for several seconds, his face growing darker. “The way you’re talking right now,” he said, “it sounds rehearsed.” Then he slammed his fist into the steering wheel. The horn blared through the night, drawing the attention of the USO troupe across the road. Someone turned to look. The moment moonlight fell on her face, the air in the Humvee went still. It was Kinsley. Beau frowned. “What is she doing here?” Every other time I’d seen her, I’d lost my composure. This time, I glanced at her once, then looked away. Beau’s hand was already on the door handle. It was cold out. Kinsley was still in her performance dress, hugging herself against the wind, the tip of her nose red. I pushed open my door and got out. “If you’re heading back on base, I can walk from here.” I’d only taken two steps before Beau caught up and grabbed my wrist. “Kinsley and I ended things a long time ago. I didn’t know she’d be here. Why won’t you believe me?” I nodded. “I believe you.” “She’s just a kid, touring all over. It can’t be easy. It’s normal for you to want to look out for her. I understand.” He stared at my face, as if searching for a trace of sarcasm or anger. But there was nothing. He had always wanted me to stop making a scene. Now that I finally had, he was the one who looked uneasy. I pulled my hand free and started walking again. When I reached the intersection, I stopped and looked back. Beside the Humvee, Beau had already taken off his flight jacket and was draping it over Kinsley’s shoulders. The next second, he cupped her face in his hands and bent down to kiss her.I wasn’t surprised. I should have seen it coming. And I wasn’t about to lose control like I did the first time I found out about another woman, when I’d stood in front of him and screamed, “Beau Walker, what the hell are you doing? I’ve been with you since I was eighteen. We clawed our way up from nothing. And now you’re telling me you fell in love with someone else?” Back then, I’d scratched his face until it bled. He’d just looked at me with a cold smile. “You have the nerve to say that? You were eighteen and sleeping with me. Didn’t you think that was shameful?” “You were about to be thrown out of that trash foster home. I got you out. I gave you a place to live. You should be grateful.” That one sentence erased all the years that came before. Back then, we had nothing. We only had each other to hold on to. My phone buzzed, pulling me back to the present. “Major Wells, the service records of your biological parents, along with the transfer paperwork for their personal effects, have been approved. When can you come to Joint Base Virginia to complete the process?” I tugged my sleeve down, covering the old scars on my wrist. “Ten days. My transfer request should be approved by then, and the divorce papers have already been filed.” The person on the other end was quiet for a moment. “You and General Walker have been together a long time. That couldn’t have been easy.” “And honestly, even though you’re inheriting their honors and effects, you don’t have to request a transfer.” I looked out at the rows of lights glowing in the barracks. “I don’t love him anymore.” “I just want to leave.” When I got back to our house, the first thing I saw was the wedding portrait on the wall. In the photo, Beau was smiling, his nose pressed against my forehead. That was when we were happiest. Beau and I both grew up in the foster system near the base. When I was eighteen, my foster family tried to sell me to a retired veteran with a history of violence. It was Beau who grabbed my hand and ran with me into the night. My foster father had shouted after us, “Beau Walker, if you think you’re man enough, then protect her for the rest of your life!” Beau turned back. “I will.” By then, his parents had already been killed in action. With their death benefits, he rented the cheapest trailer he could find off-base and enlisted. “Once I’m in the military and on my feet, I’ll move you into base housing,” he’d promised. “Then no one will ever touch you again.” In those early years, he fought like hell for every promotion. Before every dangerous mission, he would tuck my photo into the pocket over his heart. I stayed on base, doing administrative work and saving every dollar I could. At our lowest point, we couldn’t scrape together twenty dollars for Thanksgiving. We split a single can of food between us. Later, he made it into Delta Force, and I passed my own exams to become an intelligence analyst. We moved from the trailer into a base apartment, then from the apartment into senior officer housing. The stars on Beau’s shoulders kept multiplying, and so did the people orbiting him. Until one day, I found a smear of lipstick on the collar of his combat uniform. He tugged at his collar, impatient. “A girl twisted her ankle backstage. It must have rubbed off when I helped her.” “Celine, you’re in the service, too. Stop being so suspicious.” I looked at him. “People in uniform betray people, too.” “Beau, you said we’d spend our lives together. I took that seriously.” After that, we fought constantly. I checked his mission logs. I checked his call history. If he said he was on night training, I would drive out and wait by the training grounds just to be sure. It was like Beau was baiting me, daring me to catch him. After that, he really did start sleeping with other women. Sometimes he would let me see the fresh scratch marks on his back. “You wanted to know, didn’t you? Now you do.” But I still couldn’t let go. After more than a decade, Beau and I were too intertwined. Leaving hurt. Staying hurt more.Then, a year ago, he suddenly stopped. He cut all the other women out of his life—except for one girl. I had someone look into her. The moment I saw Kinsley’s photo, my entire body went rigid. She looked so much like I had at eighteen. I’d been naive, innocent, so ready to believe. Beau would rather love a girl who looked like me than love the woman I had become. That night, I lay in the bathtub and slit my wrist. When Beau kicked the door in, his hands were shaking. He scooped me up and ran for the hospital, his eyes a frightening red. “Celine, have you lost your mind?” “We’ll start over. I promise. From now on, it’s just you. I won’t see anyone else.” Lying in that hospital bed, all I felt was tired. Too tired to even cry. That same day, someone from the Pentagon came to see me. They set a yellowed file on the table. “Major Wells, we’ve re-examined the Gulf War casualty lists.” “There’s a strong possibility that two of the pilots were your biological parents.” My fingers went numb around the file. Later, I walked to the window and looked down. In the small garden below, Beau was holding Kinsley. His voice was low, but I still heard him. “I’m sorry, Kinsley. She’s in bad shape, and her PTSD is severe. I can’t leave her right now.” “Believe me. Once she’s stable, I’ll make it right.” Then he kissed her. And in that moment, everything became clear. I had to leave. I had to be the one to cut this tie. On the seventh day of my hospitalization, I filed for divorce and submitted my transfer request. During those days, Beau never came back to our house. I didn’t ask why. I just packed my things. The first apartment we’d been assigned after getting married had sat empty for years. I decided to formally return the key to the base housing office. That afternoon, when I arrived at the door with the housing officer, I found it slightly ajar. From inside came a woman’s laughter and a man’s breath, low and ragged. I glanced through the crack. Kinsley’s performance dress was in a heap on the floor. Beau had her pinned against the wall, his camo pants shoved down to his knees. He was gripping her waist, moving hard. And on his ring finger, he was still wearing our wedding band. I slowly pulled the door closed and turned to the housing officer. “I’m sorry. This isn’t a good time. I’ll come back another day.” The young officer had obviously heard it, too. She hesitated. “Major Wells, do you need to report this to the JAG office?” I shook my head. “No. This is personal.” There was no point in going in. I didn’t want another ugly scene.

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