copingwithkate Facebook ad: “Attunement - we don’t often talk about it…”

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Attunement - we don’t often talk about it, but we all feel it. It’s those people in our lives that “get” us and know when to step in (and when to take a back seat). They recognize the right moment for a joke, and the wrong one. It’s the opposite of being a “bull in a china shop”, instead its more like a spontaneous harmony between two people. Daniel Siegel, in “The Mindful Therapist” writes: “Attunement is how we focus our attention on others and take their essence into our own inner world…the ways we take in the internal worlds of other people and allow them to shape who we are in that moment…attunement involves the perception of signals from others that reveal their internal world: noticing not just their words, but also their nonverbal patterns of energy and information…eye contact, facial expression, and tone of voice, posture, gesture, and the timing and intensity of response.” (P. 34). A lack of attunement in a relationship makes it difficult for closeness, safety, and open communication to occur. This is because openness requires the courage to be vulnerable, and we’re less likely to do that when we’re feeling - on an instinctual level - that someone doesn’t get us or how we operate. If you’re someone who has a hard time maintaining close relationships ask yourself (and try to be kind, but honest with yourself) how attuned you are to others, and how much you genuinely pay attention to the domains I’ve discussed today. A key ingredient to being attuned to others starts with attunement to yourself. As Don Catherall writes in his book, Emotional Safety: “Anyone who is emotionally blocked is going to have problems tuning in the emotions of others. A rule of thumb is that people who are emotionally blocked will have the most difficulty tuning in to other people who are experiencing those specific emotions the blocked individual cannot access in himself” (P. 202). We can’t plug into others sending off signals of an emotion (like anger) when we don’t allow ourselves to tolerate experiencing that emotion (in this case anger) ourselves. Attunement relates to mindfulness, relationships, and emotional regulation. More about all of those below.

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