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The summer I turned eighteen, Ethan Barnes and I were together for the first time. I endured as he was rough and inconsiderate, but inside I was stupidly euphoric all night. Six years of fantasizing about him, and I thought giving myself to him completely had finally made him mine. Until the next day when I overheard his friends laughing: "So you finally got with that obsessed girl who's been staring at you forever?" I froze outside the door, mortified, when I heard Ethan's smug reply. "I'm trying to get with Jessica from West High. That smoking hot cheerleader won't be interested if she thinks I can't satisfy her." "Emma's just my practice until I learn all the right moves." I said nothing. Before the final college deadline, I silently switched from NYU to Miami—as far from his lying ass as possible. Chapter 1 Ethan's words felt like a brutal kick to my chest. My mind went completely blank. Despite the sweltering heat, I felt ice-cold, like his words had frozen my blood. The guys in the classroom kept their disgusting conversation going: "Classic Ethan! Even the uptight class nerd is just your booty call." "So she's basically your bedroom plaything until you score the real prize?" Ethan laughed like it was the funniest thing ever: "Hey, she enjoyed it too. She was really into it, practically begging me to skip protection." His buddy chimed in immediately. "For real though, Emma's nothing compared to Jessica's curves. Her body is..." Ethan hurled a textbook, cutting him off. "Whatever, man. We were alone, she was giving me those desperate eyes, and honestly? After keeping me waiting for years, seeing her finally give in was pretty satisfying..." The guys snickered and high-fived him: "Who knew that quiet chick was so desperate for attention." "Smart move, bro. Easy action is easy action. Might as well get your rocks off somewhere." "Emma's been obsessed with you since freshman year. You finally gave her what she's been dreaming about every night." Their laughter echoed through the classroom, loud and vicious. I bit my lip until it bled, my nails digging so deep into my palms they left marks. I barely stayed upright, my legs threatening to give out right there in the hallway. Footsteps approached from around the corner. I snapped back to reality and ran like hell. Barely making it to the bathroom, I locked myself in the farthest stall. Chapter 2 The tears came instantly, hot and humiliating. Ethan's words played on a sick loop in my head, each syllable stripping away whatever dignity I had left. If I hadn't heard it myself, I wouldn't have believed the same guy who'd been so intense with me last night—who'd whispered sweet nothings while taking my innocence—could say those things. So you could be that intimate with someone without caring a single bit about them. You could whisper sweet compliments while thinking about someone else entirely. What I pathetically thought was my romantic fairytale beginning was just another body count, another story for his bros. I cried harder, feeling like absolute garbage. But I swallowed my sobs, my entire body trembling uncontrollably. After what felt like hours, my phone buzzed with a text. It was Ethan. [Get your own Uber home. Partying with the boys tonight, can't drive you.] I didn't reply. He sent another: [Grab Plan B yourself. I'm busy. Take it ASAP so you don't get pregnant with my kid.] I stared at his texts, completely gutted. Last night, from dusk till dawn, Ethan and I had been together without protection repeatedly. When we were both finally exhausted, as we lay together, he'd mumbled: "Sorry I wasn't more careful. I'll definitely get you that pill tomorrow." He'd even stressed how girls needed to protect themselves, how the morning-after pill was crucial to avoid "getting pregnant." At the time, I thought he actually gave a damn about me. I thought I'd finally won him over after years of trying. And now... Reality hit me like a slap in the face. I dug my nails deeper into my palms, forcing myself to stop being so pathetic. I wiped my tears and left the bathroom, trying to look normal. Too ashamed to face a pharmacist, I ordered Plan B on DoorDash. After the delivery guy dropped it off, I waited until no one was around before snatching it from my doorstep. I swallowed the pill, tears streaming down my face, then collapsed on my bedroom floor, feeling completely hollow. Ever since Ethan's family moved next door, I'd followed him around like a desperate puppy for ten years. I'd never imagined a life without him in it. Couldn't even picture it. But from now on, I'd have to figure out how to exist without him. Outside my window, city lights blinked on one by one, then slowly went dark. I don't know how long I sat there before my best friend Maddie FaceTimed me. "Emma, why aren't you at Kyle's rager with Ethan tonight? "That Jessica skank from West High showed up instead. While you're MIA, she's practically dry-humping him on the dance floor. They're making everyone sick with how they're sucking face." Maddie flipped the camera to show me the scene. Chapter 3 In the darkest corner of the party, Ethan and Jessica were practically fused together. Jessica was wearing a crop top that showed off her toned stomach and a tight skirt that hugged every curve. She looked even hotter in person than in her Instagram pics. They were so wrapped up in each other that everyone else seemed invisible to them. The intimate way they whispered to each other, their bodies pressed close—you could feel the sexual tension from across the room. I couldn't breathe watching them. My chest physically hurt. If I hadn't heard it with my own ears, I might have convinced myself that what Ethan and I shared last night meant something real. That the way he'd explored every inch of my body, the way he'd whispered my name when he finished—all of it had been genuine. But this scene confirmed everything. I was just practice for the real thing. Jessica got chosen for a drinking game—something about doing body shots. She had to pick a guy to play with. No surprise, she immediately pointed at Ethan. The crowd went wild as he laid back on the table, lifting his shirt. Jessica poured tequila into his navel, then slowly—painfully slowly—lowered her mouth to his skin and sucked it clean. Then they switched places. Jessica sprawled across the table like a goddess, while Ethan poured the shot right at the edge of her neckline. The room exploded with cheers as he brought his face close to her chest, lingering way longer than necessary. When they finally came up for air, their lips crashed together in a deep, hungry kiss. The kiss went on and on. A full three minutes of them devouring each other like no one else existed. For those endless three minutes, I stared at the screen, so numb I almost forgot to breathe. My heart felt like it was being physically torn apart. I wanted to cry, but I'd already cried so much this afternoon that I was completely out of tears. "Damn Emma, did you see that? Their tongues were practically down each other's throats. He's totally into her," Maddie said as she walked away from the party to a quieter spot. She found a secluded corner and looked at me seriously: "Emma, don't be mad at me. If you didn't see this with your own eyes, you'd never get over him." My throat was so dry I could barely speak. "I don't blame you." I blame myself for being so stupid all these years. For thinking that since I was the one always allowed to be by Ethan's side, that spot would always be mine. "I just can't stand how Ethan treated you. He knew you've been crazy about him for years, yet he played innocent, stringing you along, watching you fall deeper and deeper." "You've seen the truth now. I really hope you'll think carefully and not let him waste another four years of your life in college..." "He won't, Maddie," I interrupted her, speaking calmly. "I won't give myself another chance to be hurt." "Maddie, I've made my decision. I'm going to Miami University with you." "But you have to promise to keep it a secret for now." Chapter 4 After saying this, to prevent myself from wavering, I opened my laptop right in front of her. Without the slightest hesitation, just moments before the deadline, I changed my first-choice college to that prestigious university in Miami. Maddie was over the moon, practically bouncing up and down with excitement. She'd been begging me to apply to the same university for ages. But when we first started high school, Ethan and I had made a pact to work hard together and go to his dream school in New York after graduation. They had his beloved aerospace engineering program there. So even though I wasn't particularly fond of the cold North, and didn't have much interest in that technical institute, throughout three years of high school, I'd always considered it my goal. After years of being neighbors, both sets of parents were delighted by the idea of us attending the same college. Everyone, including myself, assumed that Ethan and I would naturally become a couple after turning eighteen. But now, I couldn't find any reason to go to New York anymore. Or rather, after today, if I still clung to Ethan like before, I would lose all respect for myself. All I wanted now was to get as far away as possible. It didn't matter where, as long as Ethan wasn't there. If he was heading north, then I'd go south. Chapter 5 Before bed, I filled the bathtub completely, wanting to wash myself thoroughly clean. But when I took off my clothes, the purple-blue marks on my skin were still clearly visible. Memories from last night flooded back involuntarily. The burning heat of his skin as we held each other tight, his hot breath against my ear when we were lost in passion—the lingering warmth seemed to still surround me. I shook my head violently, trying to shake off these ridiculous thoughts. I found the roughest washcloth and scrubbed my skin over and over until my entire body was red and raw. Trying clumsily to erase the most shameful memory of my life. The result was that I was in so much pain I couldn't sleep all night. Ethan, predictably, didn't send any messages. Breaking our uninterrupted six-year habit of saying goodnight to each other since we first got phones. This was probably for the best. This day would have come sooner or later anyway. Time to start detoxing from him tonight. I drifted in and out of sleep until just before dawn. The next morning while I was still sound asleep, I suddenly felt someone plant a gentle kiss on my forehead in my dream. Chapter 6 I woke with a jolt. Opening my eyes, I found myself staring at a familiar jawline and Adam's apple looming above me. The scent enveloping me was Ethan's signature cedar cologne mixed with a faint, unfamiliar lemony fragrance. I'd almost forgotten—Ethan still knew my door code. Seeing me awake, he leaned down with a low chuckle, attempting to kiss my lips. I frantically turned my head away, pushing him back and scrambling to the other side of the bed. Ethan froze, then laughed. "Still playing shy? After everything?" I didn't speak, just pulled the covers over my head. Ethan scolded me while tugging at my blanket. "Emma Davies, you've got some nerve. Not saying goodnight to me, turning off your phone while you sleep?" "And now you're hiding from me?" He moved quickly, slipping under the covers with practiced ease. Before I could react, he had me completely wrapped in his arms. "Come on, I've told you a million times, you can't skip breakfast. "I woke up early and ran thirty minutes to get those cinnamon rolls from that bakery you love so much. Stood in line forever. "So what'll it be—do you want to get up and eat, or would you rather I give you some special attention first?" His breath was hot against my skin, his hands starting to wander. Finally snapping fully awake, I struggled desperately. But at 5'3", I was no match for his 6'2" frame. I couldn't understand what he was thinking. He had Jessica now—why was he still messing with me? After fighting for what felt like ages, I was panting but still trapped, his arms tightening around me. "What's the problem now? "Still mad because I didn't take you to the party last night? Seriously?" I remained silent. He buried his face in the crook of my neck, laughing softly. "Let me guess, your bestie gave you the play-by-play? "It was just a stupid drinking game. You're seriously jealous over that? "You're still acting like before—I get within ten feet of another girl and you start pouting." My anger hit boiling point. Words failed me completely. Remembering a move from self-defense class, I suddenly drove my knee upward between his legs, then bolted from the bed while he doubled over. "Emma!" Ethan gasped through clenched teeth, his face crimson with pain. I quickly threw on a shirt over my pajamas and rushed to the living room. I couldn't stand being in the same room with him, especially my bedroom. A few minutes later, Ethan emerged, looking both angry and bewildered. After a long pause, he seemed to remember something and casually asked: "By the way, you took that pill yesterday, right?" "Don't need any accidents. Couldn't explain that to our parents." Ethan walked to the dining table, picked up an orange juice and offered it to me. "Come on, eat something before you continue this silent treatment. Your stomach's always been sensitive." I didn't speak or take the drink. Ethan held the orange juice in mid-air for what felt like an eternity before finally losing patience. "What the hell is this about? "Emma, even tantrums need a reason and a limit, don't you think?" I replied with icy calm: "I'm not worthy." Ethan exploded, slamming the orange juice down on the coffee table. He used so much force that the plastic cup cracked, spilling liquid all over the carpet. "What's that supposed to mean? "Who do you think you are, Emma? "We sleep together once—completely consensual—and suddenly you think you own me? Do you know how suffocating that is?" His tone was viciously harsh, like I'd never heard before. Instantly, tears poured down my face, with no warning whatsoever. Yesterday's humiliation and hurt came flooding back. Ethan seemed shocked by my sudden breakdown and didn't know how to react. He apologized, clearly regretting his outburst: "I'm sorry, I drank too much last night. I shouldn't have snapped at you." Ethan crouched beside me, reaching out to wipe away my tears, but I dodged his touch again. He froze, his hand suspended in mid-air. Just as he was about to try comforting me again, his phone pinged. One glance at the screen and his expression transformed completely before he hurriedly stood up. "I've got an emergency. Cool off by yourself for a while. "We're heading to college soon—this childish behavior won't fly there. Nobody's going to put up with it." Chapter 7 Less than thirty minutes after he left, Maddie sent me a screenshot. It was Jessica's Instagram post. [Sunny Days: Say you're hungry and boom—breakfast appears like magic! Think I just landed my dream guy for real~] The picture showed the exact same cinnamon rolls in identical packaging that Ethan had brought to my table. I didn't respond to Maddie. I just silently wiped my tears and knelt down to clean the orange juice Ethan had spilled. After struggling for ages, I realized with dismay that the stain had soaked deep into the wool carpet. It wouldn't come out no matter how hard I scrubbed. In a burst of anger, I threw out the entire carpet. It was the one Ethan and his parents had hand-carried back from their trip to Nepal, after spending an entire afternoon picking it out just for me. While I was at it, I gathered everything Ethan had ever left at my place, along with all the gifts he'd given me over the years. I even collected every single photograph of us together. It took all day to pack everything up and throw it all away. He probably wouldn't want this junk back anyway. After that day, I didn't hear from Ethan for several days. Things with the "school beauty" must be going smoothly. Or maybe he was waiting for me to cave first. During every previous cold war between us, I'd always been the first to apologize. Without exception. But this time, I didn't reach out. There was no point anymore. I blocked him on every platform, changed my door code, and deleted all my social media accounts. With all that done, I called my parents, who were away on business. I told them I wanted to visit my aunt in Australia for the summer. My plan was to stay until summer ended, then head straight to Miami with Maddie for college orientation. Aside from Maddie, no one knew I'd changed my college choice to Miami. This plan should perfectly avoid any chance of running into Ethan. Mom teased me on the phone: "Ooh, so you and Ethan are going on vacation together?" I made up an excuse, not wanting to explain everything. I just told her I wanted to spend time with my aunt and grandmother. I begged Dad to book me on the earliest flight possible—I was ready to leave that very night. As I was leaving, I unfortunately ran into Ethan's mom at the entrance of our apartment complex. She enthusiastically greeted me: "Emma, why are you alone? Isn't Ethan picking you up? "Didn't he say he was taking you skiing in Switzerland? Have a wonderful time, I fully support you two!" I was puzzled. During our senior year exam prep, I had mentioned to Ethan that I wanted to go skiing in Switzerland, to experience the pristine Alpine slopes I'd always dreamed about. But given our current situation, a vacation together seemed absurd. Time was running short, so I just gave her a quick, vague response and left. What I never expected was running into Ethan at the airport. Chapter 8 He was with a group of friends. Jessica was there too. Ethan carried a woman's handbag in one hand, his other arm wrapped around Jessica's waist. They walked at the back of the group. Every time Jessica turned to say something to him, Ethan would accommodate her, patiently bending down to hear her better. Nothing like how it was with us. Ethan had always been taller than me, and the gap only grew over the years. When we were together, I always had to hop up on my tiptoes just to talk to him comfortably. Apparently, for someone he truly cared about, he was willing to bend down without being asked. I took a deep breath. I told myself to keep my dignity. Whatever he did was none of my business anymore. If I started overthinking again, I'd need to slap myself back to reality. But there seemed to be only one path to the boarding gates. I had no choice but to trail behind them at a distance. Finally, we reached a fork in the path. Ethan began acting distracted. He made several calls that apparently went unanswered, then fiddled with his phone for ages. Eventually, he borrowed a friend's phone and headed toward the restrooms, his expression dark. Not long after, my phone rang with an unknown number. "Emma, you're really pushing it this time. I need to be the one to reach out now? "You actually blocked me? "Go ahead, keep it up. When we get to New York for college, I'll see how you manage in a strange city without me looking after you." Ethan's tone was hostile as he berated me relentlessly. I said nothing. There was no response to this. But my silence only seemed to fuel his anger. "I'm not wasting more time on this. Add me back on Instagram. Now. "I'm about to go abroad with some friends for a couple days. Might not have phone access, so don't start crying when you can't reach me."