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I faked emotions for 18 months until a private GP explained the one menopause symptom HRT can't fix - and what actually can... But I need to take you back very quickly. To my daughter's school play 6 months ago. I should have felt pride. Joy. I should've felt that warm rush mothers get watching their child shine. Instead, I sat there in another world. All around me was joy, laughter and applause. Yet it was as though it was all happening through a thick pane of glass - keeping me separate. The performance was lovely. She was lovely. I knew that intellectually. But I couldn't feel it. That's when I realized the woman I thought I was - the mum who'd tear up at every school assembly, who got genuinely excited about finger paintings - was gone. And in her place was this shell. Someone just going through the motions. Feeling absolutely nothing. But it wasn't just the play. Every night I'd look at my husband over dinner and feel the same emotional warmth I'd feel looking at the furniture. Nothing. He'd tell me about his day and I'd make the right sounds, nod in the right places. But inside? I was completely absent. To say this caused a strain on our relationship is putting it mildly… And then I'd hug my daughter goodnight and feel like I was performing a routine, not expressing love. I knew I loved them. But I couldn't access the feeling anymore. And THAT's what terrified me more than anything menopause had thrown at me so far. Because hot flushes? Annoying. Night sweats? Exhausting. But being unable to feel love for your own children? Trust me when I say that makes you feel like a monster. But do you know what could make it EVEN worse? It was watching my family start to notice how absent I was! My daughter would ask why I seemed "different" lately. My husband stopped telling me things because he could see I wasn't really listening. That's because they were grieving the version of me who used to be present. The mum who was engaged and emotionally alive. And I was grieving her too! I kept thinking: "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just feel things like a normal person?" P.S. This is after I'd tried HRT as well so at this point I truly thought that I'd feel this way for good. I'd so gotten my hopes up that HRT would be what fixed it. And yes, it helped with the hot flushes. But it did nothing for the flatness. But if you're wanting to know what else didn't work for me… I tried black cohosh, evening primrose, every supplement the chemist recommended. Still nothing. Still this horrible, suffocating numbness where my personality used to be. Of course my GP (don't start me) said it was "probably just mild depression" and suggested yoga. Yoga… For the complete inability to feel maternal love. Yeah I don't think so honey… Now. Here's where everything started to change: A couple of months ago I saw a private menopause specialist. Tbh my expectations were that low that I would've settled to hear anything but the "yoga and meditation" lecture! Instead she asked the one question that kickstarted changing everything: "Do things you used to enjoy feel pointless now?" Uhh yep. Everything. Even watching my daughter - who I'd have walked through fire for - felt like background noise. "That's not depression," she said (THANK YOU DOC). She explained "The medical term is anhedonia. And almost no one warns menopausal women about it." She then pulled up a diagram. Two circles. One labeled "Estrogen." One labeled "Dopamine." "Before menopause, estrogen helped regulate how your brain processes dopamine - the 'neurotransmitter' that creates feelings of pleasure, motivation, and connection. When estrogen drops, your brain starts breaking down dopamine too quickly. This is why it becomes physically almost impossible to feel happy." She pointed at the gap between the circles. "That's why you can know you love your daughter but can't feel the warmth of it. The signal is there - it's just being shut down before it reaches you." For the first time in 18 months, something made sense. I wasn't broken. I wasn't a bad mother. My brain was literally recycling my joy before I could experience it. But I had to ask… Why did HRT not fix it the way my GP suggested it would?? "HRT replaces the estrogen your ovaries stopped making. That helps with hot flushes, night sweats - symptoms driven by estrogen receptors in your body." "But it can't fix what happens in the dopamine pathways. That requires a different approach entirely." Now I was all ears. She mentioned two things I'd never heard of. One was a saffron extract that works on multiple neurotransmitter systems. It slows the breakdown of dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. Essentially helping the brain hold onto those happiness 'signals' longer instead of recycling them immediately. And there was something else she mentioned we should know about. Its a specific form of curcumin that can actually cross into brain tissue. Why this is important is it calms the neuroinflammation that acts like 'static interference' on the dopamine signal. You'll know what I mean by static if you've ever felt the mental bluntness I've talked about! Anyhoo. So this is all great. But I was skeptical. I'd tried supplements before. They'd done nothing. But I was curious because she explained it differently than anyone had before. "Regular turmeric can't reach your brain. It breaks down in your liver before it gets there. This uses a special coating to cross the blood-brain barrier." "And saffron - real clinical-grade saffron extract - has been tested in countless peer-reviewed trials showing it works as well as SSRIs for mood regulation. But without the emotional blunting." As good as SSRI's did ya say? The way she described it sounded almost too good to be true. Saffron helps your brain keep the signal. Curcumin reduces the noise that drowns it out. Got it. Let's fast forward now. I'd been taking this new supplement (she told me the one to get, said compared to all others its 10x as good) I was on week three when something finally shifted in my mental state. I was making dinner and turned up the radio. Not for background noise - because I actually wanted to hear the song. It was small. But it was something. Week six, my daughter came home from school and told me about her day. And I realized I was actually listening. Actually interested. Not just performing interest. Week eight, she made a joke at the dinner table. And I laughed. Not a polite chuckle. A real, unforced roar of laughter. She looked at me with this expression I'll never forget. Surprised. Relieved. "You're different," she said. And I was. The soundproof glass between me and my life had shattered. I wasn't performing anymore. I was there. I could feel the warmth when I hugged my kids. I'd look at my husband and feel actual affection instead of blankness. I noticed birdsong again. The way the light came through the kitchen window in the morning. Small moments that used to matter - now mattered again. Look I'm not going to tell you it was overnight. It wasn't. But by week eight, I felt like myself. Not the version of myself who was "powering through" or "faking it till I made it." The actual version was back. The mum who laughed at terrible jokes and got excited about small things and felt alive instead of just functioning every day. The woman my family had been quietly grieving was back. Here's what I wish someone had told me 18 months earlier: Your feelings are still there. They're just being blocked. It's not your fault. It's not weakness. It's not something you can willpower your way through. It's biology. Specifically, it's what happens when estrogen withdrawal disrupts your dopamine regulation system. HRT replaces hormones. But it doesn't fix how your brain is processing neurotransmitters. That requires a different approach entirely. And here's the urgent part no one talks about: Every week you spend in that numbness is another week of moments you can't get back. Another precious week (we only have a limited number remember) where you weren't fully present. Another conversation with your daughter you weren't really having. Another evening with your husband where you were going through the motions. I lost 18 months before I learned what was actually wrong. That's 18 months of my daughter's life I watched like I was observing strangers. You don't have to lose that time. The distance between you and your family doesn't have to become permanent. Because your feelings are still there. They're just being shut down before you can feel them. And there's a way to stop that from happening so please please don't give up on yourself. I've linked the supplement the specialist recommended here. I've tried every supplement on the market at this point. This is the only one worth every penny. P.S. I'd go ahead and buy the 3 months supply if I could go back and do it again now - I ended up going back for more anyway.